There’s a Virus in My Pool
I’m on the internet one day, doing my thing. Listening to some music, wasting time. A banner ad pops up on the bottom of the screen. It wants me to buy an antivirus program. I thought I already had an antivirus program. I close the ad.
It pops up again. All my icons are gone from the desktop. The start menu disappears. But there is that goddamn banner again. It seems that I have a virus. And the virus is trying to force me to buy the cure for itself. A virus with a conscience. He knows he’s an asshole and he wants to get better, so he’s showing me the way. The “way” costs $29.99 coincidentally.
It becomes clear that this virus was made by the antivirus software company to get people to buy the cure for the virus they’ve given you. A clever marketing plot. I’m an elite hacker right? At least my grandmother seems to think so. I can fix most networking problems by hacking routers. And by hacking I mean unplugging them and then plugging them back in. Elite. I try to fix the problem to no avail. Screw it, I’m going outside.
It’s a dreary day in the neighborhood. Small white houses with side-yard moats line the street. The clouds are a dark ominous gray and are moving fast. The wind is whipping all of the huge oak tree limbs around. It’s the kind of weather I hate – it looks like it’s going to rain, but it wont, the clouds just wont come together right. An ice cream truck shows up. It is a filthy white truck that bears the logo of that same damn antivirus company that has been hounding me. No ice cream man jingles accompany the arrival of this truck.
Two men get out of the truck dressed in filthy white jumpsuits. They both have black hats and long greasy hair. One is a fat, black haired man with thick framed glasses. The other is a slim fair man with his faced hidden by an unkempt beard. They proceed to the back of the truck where they open a hatch and wrangle out a slimy dark green sea creature and slip it into my moat. It is some sort of large eel, about eight feet long with huge triangular teeth. It seems to enjoy the environment. The cool, muddy water pleases it.
After watching the little eel muck around in my muck for a short while, the upstanding gentlemen released a much larger, much more “teethy” sea creature into the moat. I get it now. they are illustrating a big bad virus attack on my poor little unprotected eel computer. This mega eel violently rips apart the little one in massive splashy thrashes. What a way to sell an antivirus program. Jeez.
